LOVE: THE BIGGER PICTURE

Despite the fact that Love is the most rampant phenomenon we as humans have experienced since the beginning of time, understanding it as a subject or better still as a concept is at a bare minimum. Ask around what the meaning of Love is and you’ll get responses that range from fickle to shallow to absurd. This makes one to wonder if people really understand what Love means. From an academic/religious view point, Love has been broken into different categories based on the definition of the situation (relationship between the personalities) surrounding the use of the word. My definition of Love, which I’ll state below, encompasses whatever situation one might apply the word to. For me, “Love is a positive feeling, an affinity towards something or someone, which goes out of you to the person without the expectation that it would be reciprocated (You don’t expect that shoe you love to love you back do you? Do you as a mother expect your infant child to love you in return as a criterion for loving it?). You give it because it makes you feel healthy and strong. Take note that the scary, crazy, vulnerable feeling most people attribute to Love really is not. It’s just the need to be loved.

For the purpose of this article, I’ll be examining the type of Love that exists between man and woman. Being the avid romantic that I am, I hope reading this article when posted, will help somebody somewhere Love and be loved better. The issues which will be addressed are the prevalent problems that have given people a wrong perception of Love. As a result of the fact that there is no authority on the subject of Love, real life experiences will be sighted as instances and hopefully you’ll comment wherever you disagree after reading. That said, let’s examine 2 situations that usually lead to the breaking up of a Love relationship and the resulting question that’s common to most break-ups; Why?

CHEATING
Next to falling in Love, cheating is the most frequent occurrence of modern day. You find both sexes pointing an accusing finger at the other without taking into consideration the role they’ve both played in the creation of this vicious cycle. The origin of cheating and the resolve to cheat can be traced back to the first sour experience an individual has with rejection or as the case maybe, Love-gone-wrong. Two things I’ll try to do whilst addressing this subject are; avoid generalization and make my theories sexually neutral (neither male nor female).

As stated above, one of the reasons why people cheat is the rejection or being taken for granted which they experienced after professing their love for another. They are scarred by this experience and though they recover, they never get over it and so they vow never to end up in such a situation again. So they cheat to assure themselves that they are on top of the situation and in the cases where one wonder why the partner cheated with someone below their standards, it’s because they(the partner) feel safer and reckon they can’t get hurt by so doing. Despite this, they still get hurt, sometimes.

Selfishness is another reason why people cheat. You have a good thing going with your partner but by circumstances of your own design or not as the case may be, you find yourself in a compromising situation and despite the better judgment of your mind, you decide to go ahead with the rendezvous because you felt like it in that moment without considering how this would make your partner feel if they knew about it. Every other reason why people cheat is somewhat related to selfishness however you choose to look at. For instance, you cheat with someone that’s more financially endowed than your partner is for what reason? To send your partner the cheque? I seriously doubt it. If only we can look beyond ourselves and neediness, and for a minute consider the other, we will be able to resist the urge to, regardless of how great the temptation is.

As a result of these experiences, stereotyping sets in without exclusion of the percentage few that are actually getting it right. This is done whilst forgetting the role either gender has played in the creation of this vicious cycle.

LACK OF FULFILMENT
The other reason why relationships go wrong is a lack of fulfillment. A typical notion that causes lack of fulfillment is the belief that one’s partner should be responsible for one’s happiness. This is a wrong notion because the only person that should be responsible for making you happy is you yourself. Another factor that causes a lack of fulfillment is the expectation that your partner will always meet your needs. This also is impossible because a relationship consists of 2 people who are constantly evolving by the minute.
However, the partner might want to meet the needs and still not know how to. Rather than teach them how to, selfishness rears its ugly head again and you decide to seek greener pastures forgetting how green where you are can be if you can put in work. All this because you are so into yourself and think you are fantastic when in reality, you are not. No one is. This phenomenon can either lead to cheating or outright dissolution of the relationship depending on the whole circumstance.

These reasons above are the basis for some myths which are prevalent and have further contorted the perception people have about Love. Some of these myths have been mentioned because of how they have affected the way people approach the subject of Love.

Assuming all of the above have played out and the relationship is at a point of no repair, both partners part ways. It has been said that if you were in a relationship with a lady for 1 year and she breaks it off, she spent the last 3 months of the relationship preparing herself for the break up. On the other hand, it is believed that men break up first and try to get over the relationship after.
There’s this myth about women wanting what they can’t have. This probably is the origin of other myths like women don’t want to be treated nice, and she always wants the guy that doesn’t give her attention. Are we saying a woman can’t have a guy treat her nice, give her attention and still love her? Then there’s the one about people not wanting to live in reality and as such would rather not be told the truth. In that case it’s okay to lie right?

What these myths have done is to subtly influence how both sexes approach the subject of love. So you find a lady unwilling to let go of a cheating partner who apparently doesn’t have any feeling for her. And whilst she’s holding on rationalizing, she passes off all the other good guys that might love and treat her better. The guys on the other hand treat their women ill because of the myth that states that putting a woman on a pedestal will only make her take him for granted. He cheats with other women because of the myth that suggests that a lady seeing you with other women makes her want you more.

Having said all that, what do you think her unwillingness to let go, tells a cheating partner about these myths? Think about all the guys that know of her situation with the cheating partner, who have shown their genuine interest and affection towards her and have been taken for granted. What will they think of these myths? Can someone tell these people that Love is not a game and as such can’t be played by rules? Somebody said that ‘ambivalence is a powerful aphrodisiac’, I looked at the person and felt sorry for them.

Everyone deserves to Love and be loved. 1John4vs8 states that “He (and she) who does not Love does not know God for God is Love”. So I’ll end this with the subject of marriage. That bible verse, which is the most succinct verse about Love in the oldest book known to man, does not mention marriage once. If people have married for wrong reasons such as money, fame or because of loneliness and boredom, then marriage is not representative of Love. Let’s not put ourselves under the pressure of time and become insecure in the process. Let us take time to nurture our Love.

This piece is inspired by all the beautiful souls on the quest to find true love (I am one of them).