So I cheated on Stella that weekend, with her friend Tracy. Ever since the incident, I had been trying to redeem myself subtly by being extra caring and loving despite the fact that Tracy didn’t tell her. We, me and Stella, had been having a good time since the infidelity incident until December when a late night call from Stella kicked off another bout of drama. What actually happened was that I said some trash about my relationship to the caller (who was actually my girlfriend, Stella). I was sleep talking and didn’t know it was Stella calling. In my own words, here’s what I said; “My relationship with the girl has gone sour.” Stella held on to these words and December was so much hell that year, I wasn’t looking forward to resuming school in January ’07.
January came and we were barely talking. Tracy resumed her role as confidant and companion during this period. I don’t know what they spoke about but she never mentioned our rendezvous to Stella. Somehow, things got better and by February 14th of ’07, we were back together fully and she spoiled me with all sorts of gifts to commemorate not only lovers’ day, but also our anniversary together. Little did I know she had been seeing a dude called Mohammed since January of 2007? Five days after our anniversary, she broke up with me. We were in love but we were separated.
She continued seeing the Mohammed dude and I met a couple of interesting ladies myself, but for the period of 3 months that we were separated, we never stopped loving each other. By the end of May, we got back together. How? I really don’t remember but it was inevitable. Upon getting back together, we confessed each other’s sins. She revealed hers and I revealed mine, holding back the details of that weekend with Tracy. In our bid to try and figure out what went wrong, we decided to take a big step, i.e. we started indulging in sex (she was a virgin all along), thinking a major commitment and compromise such as this would bring us closer than ever. So she gave it up to me and I, in return, loved her more fervently. I confessed everything to her, told her about every girl I’d slept with since I met her, all except Tracy. I mean, you can’t blame me because I knew It would all be over if I told her and I just wasn’t ready to lose her.
Our love had taken a turn for the better at this time. We communicated so well that she knew me inside and out. I knew her, too. Subconsciously, we started a new trend of paying back. I.e. whenever I did something I knew she wouldn’t like, she’d do something she knew I wouldn’t like to pay me back. This pattern continued until summer of 2008. We got into a heated argument that resulted in a serious showdown. I was so angry that had I seen her, I’d have gone animalistic, possibly physical on her. Some days after this showdown, we bumped into each other at an event. I was in the company of Tracy and James (they were dating the whole while) and she was in the company of another one of her sidekicks as well as 2 handsome-looking young men, one of which was an acquaintance of mine. At some point during the course of the how, I couldn’t bear it anymore so I approached her. We kind of apologized to each other. Now I wasn’t about to let my girl go home with another man in my presence so I insisted on taking her home with me. She concurred and requested that I be polite by informing her male company that I’d be taking charge of her welfare from then on. I did as she requested only for me to return to the spot where we’d been standing to find her absent. That night I tried calling her over 30 times but she didn’t pick my calls. I guess she went for the killer blow.
The next morning I called her to confirm that she was alright and nothing was wrong with her. I stayed back an extra day before returning to school, and upon entering the school campus, she was the first person I saw. Immediately after I saw her, she started crying. I was moved by the tears but then I was hurt from her antics the prior night so I ignored her. She spent the whole week trying to make it up to me but when I didn’t budge, she made arrangements for us to leave school at the weekend. Looking back now, I think I took the whole situation too personally and dissed her badly that weekend. We returned to school the same except for the fact that I had clicked on the self-destruct button. Regardless of the fact that I knew I loved her, I broke up with her and we both became emotional wrecks on campus. Everybody in school knew something was up with us. With time we got over each other, or so we thought, because one year later, we got back together for a brief one-month fling. We’ve been very good friends ever since but we try not to hang out because we always get emotionally entangled when we do. Deep within me, I know a part of me still loves her and sometimes when I hear her talk, I feel the feeling is mutual. We’ve been able to avoid getting back together somehow, though.
At some point during the roller coaster ride of our relationship, we had a very deep conversation and the question surfaced, ‘is love ever enough?’ I responded in the negative using our own experience as a point. She agreed with my response stating the fact that she loved me and knew I loved her, too, but still things didn’t work between us, no matter how hard we tried. To my credit, I finally confessed the dark secret about the weekend with Tracy and my Stella forgave me. I wonder if they are still friends. So, what do you think? Is love ever enough? Really…..
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
MY IDEAL MAN
Due to popular demand, i had to get a female point of view of what a decent lady requires of her ideal man. Who's better to ask than my own editor, Jarnli Cheney Granger. You can follow her blog at http://barbieismyspiritguide.blogspot.com enjoy the read
I was asked to compile a list of pre-requisites for my ideal man. I guess my Blogger friend wanted a woman’s point of view on the subject. I can only speak for myself, but I have been married twice and I have about 25 years’ worth of relationship experience to reflect on and I have learned a thing or two about what I do and do not want. Here is what I require:
First of all, we must have the same beliefs about God, life and the reason why we are here. There are just too many instances in life when these beliefs dictate our actions and to disagree on such heavy matters can only cause dissention. From the way one treats his neighbor to the way one decides not to stress about the challenges in life; faith is a determining factor in how we behave.
Second, I prefer someone of a diverse cultural background. The differences are more interesting to me and I find men of color more aesthetically & sexually attractive. I have long given up on analyzing why, it is simply my preference. Besides, my experiences with men of my own race and cultural background have made me grow tired. I want a man who enhances my life, not a man who sucks me dry because he is so empty to begin with.
He must love music and he must have an open mind as well as his own passionate love for what moves him. In this department, the diversity factor is truly engaging for me.
One quality that is a priority to me is intelligence. I hate having to dumb down for a man. I am very socially aware and much keyed in to pop culture. I like to be able to converse about current events without having to explain too much. I especially like to be able to use all of my extensive vocabulary without getting a blank stare because the word I just used was just too big with too many syllables. I want a man who knows who I am referring to when I mention Steinbeck, Maya Angelou, Sinead O’Connor or Lil Wayne.
I don’t care if he loves animals. This is irrelevant to me. Compassion for life is essential, but if he sends 10% of his paycheck to PETA, we are going to have a problem. The same goes for environmentalists. There are people starving and suffering in this world and money spent on saving the trees or the Mexican Gray Wolf is money wasted, in my opinion. I would rather save one baby from starvation than rescue an entire rain forest. If human life is what the Lord laid down his life for, then that is an indication to me that God places a priority on saving his children, so this comes back to item one: Mutual faith in the same God.
He needs to be clean. I’m not obsessive-compulsive about cleanliness, but if I see a man who doesn’t take care of himself, his clothes, his home or his vehicle, I see a man who simply doesn’t know how to take care of things. I like order. It keeps things uncomplicated, it saves money, it’s healthier and quite honestly, it’s sexy. Basically, if you want it to be kissed, wash it. I don’t want to get near it if it smells bad, be it your house, your body or your car. If you want me to be able to live in it, I better be able to walk barefoot through it without hurting myself or grossing out. I have a sign on my refrigerator – the same one my mother had on hers when I was growing up. It reads: MY HOUSE IS CLEAN ENOUGH TO BE HEALTHY, DIRTY ENOUGH TO BE HAPPY. Words to live by.
He’s gotta like kids. Even if he doesn’t want to have any, he’s gotta be impressed by how funny and cute and innocent they are. I think the reason our Maker gave us the power to create life and sustain it is because children are some of the best teachers we will ever have. I never knew my capacity to love until I bore a child. I never knew unconditional love directed at me until I saw the love in the eyes of my baby as he looked at me and smiled while he breast fed, milk-faced and darling. He doesn’t remember loving me then, but he loves me still. And if a man thinks that children have nothing to contribute to his life, there is something cold and dead and damaged inside of him that is going to get in the way eventually.
Last, he must be able to achieve that delicate balance between sensitivity and masculinity. He has to be able to be ‘all man’ while still being comfortable with normal, human qualities like sadness, elation and humility. I don’t ever want to think that if it weren’t for me, my man would simply be unable to manage. Need me, but handle things without me if need be.
So there you have it. These are qualities that a man either has, or he hasn’t. They are part of his DNA or they are alien to him. I do know that if a woman thinks she can teach these qualities, or force them, she is sadly mistaken. Men are who they are.
“The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.” – Natalie Wood
I was asked to compile a list of pre-requisites for my ideal man. I guess my Blogger friend wanted a woman’s point of view on the subject. I can only speak for myself, but I have been married twice and I have about 25 years’ worth of relationship experience to reflect on and I have learned a thing or two about what I do and do not want. Here is what I require:
First of all, we must have the same beliefs about God, life and the reason why we are here. There are just too many instances in life when these beliefs dictate our actions and to disagree on such heavy matters can only cause dissention. From the way one treats his neighbor to the way one decides not to stress about the challenges in life; faith is a determining factor in how we behave.
Second, I prefer someone of a diverse cultural background. The differences are more interesting to me and I find men of color more aesthetically & sexually attractive. I have long given up on analyzing why, it is simply my preference. Besides, my experiences with men of my own race and cultural background have made me grow tired. I want a man who enhances my life, not a man who sucks me dry because he is so empty to begin with.
He must love music and he must have an open mind as well as his own passionate love for what moves him. In this department, the diversity factor is truly engaging for me.
One quality that is a priority to me is intelligence. I hate having to dumb down for a man. I am very socially aware and much keyed in to pop culture. I like to be able to converse about current events without having to explain too much. I especially like to be able to use all of my extensive vocabulary without getting a blank stare because the word I just used was just too big with too many syllables. I want a man who knows who I am referring to when I mention Steinbeck, Maya Angelou, Sinead O’Connor or Lil Wayne.
I don’t care if he loves animals. This is irrelevant to me. Compassion for life is essential, but if he sends 10% of his paycheck to PETA, we are going to have a problem. The same goes for environmentalists. There are people starving and suffering in this world and money spent on saving the trees or the Mexican Gray Wolf is money wasted, in my opinion. I would rather save one baby from starvation than rescue an entire rain forest. If human life is what the Lord laid down his life for, then that is an indication to me that God places a priority on saving his children, so this comes back to item one: Mutual faith in the same God.
He needs to be clean. I’m not obsessive-compulsive about cleanliness, but if I see a man who doesn’t take care of himself, his clothes, his home or his vehicle, I see a man who simply doesn’t know how to take care of things. I like order. It keeps things uncomplicated, it saves money, it’s healthier and quite honestly, it’s sexy. Basically, if you want it to be kissed, wash it. I don’t want to get near it if it smells bad, be it your house, your body or your car. If you want me to be able to live in it, I better be able to walk barefoot through it without hurting myself or grossing out. I have a sign on my refrigerator – the same one my mother had on hers when I was growing up. It reads: MY HOUSE IS CLEAN ENOUGH TO BE HEALTHY, DIRTY ENOUGH TO BE HAPPY. Words to live by.
He’s gotta like kids. Even if he doesn’t want to have any, he’s gotta be impressed by how funny and cute and innocent they are. I think the reason our Maker gave us the power to create life and sustain it is because children are some of the best teachers we will ever have. I never knew my capacity to love until I bore a child. I never knew unconditional love directed at me until I saw the love in the eyes of my baby as he looked at me and smiled while he breast fed, milk-faced and darling. He doesn’t remember loving me then, but he loves me still. And if a man thinks that children have nothing to contribute to his life, there is something cold and dead and damaged inside of him that is going to get in the way eventually.
Last, he must be able to achieve that delicate balance between sensitivity and masculinity. He has to be able to be ‘all man’ while still being comfortable with normal, human qualities like sadness, elation and humility. I don’t ever want to think that if it weren’t for me, my man would simply be unable to manage. Need me, but handle things without me if need be.
So there you have it. These are qualities that a man either has, or he hasn’t. They are part of his DNA or they are alien to him. I do know that if a woman thinks she can teach these qualities, or force them, she is sadly mistaken. Men are who they are.
“The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.” – Natalie Wood
Sunday, July 3, 2011
IS LOVE EVER ENOUGH?
I met Stella 4days after resuming my freshman year of college. The precise date is October 20th of '05. The circumstance that led to our meeting is actually vague in my memory now but i remember her sobbing. We all, i.e. all freshmen had been summoned to the university hall by the authorities for another round of the orientation and induction process. Down the roll i was sitted at, there was this light complexioned, petite, young cutey sobbing. The lecture was boring anyway, so i focused my attention on the lady. All her attempt at keeping her emotional row discreet had succeeded with everyone around except for me. I scribbled a few lines on a piece of paper and had it passed on to her. She looked across and i made an inquiring gesture, she smiled and started to write something on the paper, which she sent back to me. Now that i had gotten her attention, i sent a second note asking her to stay back after the program, so we could get to know each other. She obliged my request by waiting behind after the program and we made each other's acquaintance(she told me later on that she wouldn't have obliged if she had know that i wasn't as good looking up close, as i was from a distance. Imagine!)
We became friends and gradually started getting really close, to the point of spending every minute of the period of interaction with each other. Back then, there was this big dude on her case, but we, me and Stella had an awesome connection that was absolutely spontaneous. We were like ying and yang. The theory of spouses complimenting each other was brought to fulfillment with us. It was like we were connected by brain. The big dude soon diminished to just a part of the background of the picture. By February 14th, vals day of the next year, she said ye and we started dating, officially that is. Everything went on smoothly from then on. We were so caught up in each other's world that the other person was all that mattered. I look back now and wonder how it all went wrong.
I was never in doubt as to whether she loved me, i don't know if she was aware that i loved her like hell, but i did and showed it in every way that i could. The relationship got intense so soon, i guess cause we had it before we knew what it really was about. Anyways we made rules together on how to conduct our thing and once in a while, either or both of us broke these rules. We coped with these short comings until Tracy came into the picture. Tracy was Stella's friend from high school and was about to be admitted into our University. I don't know what their allegiances were to each other, but immediately Tracy stepped on campus, my baby had an alternative plan for every plan we made together. Me and Stella got into bad rows that always left one party so angry, they'ld require leaving school to go and cool off away from the other. On one of these occasions, i was so angry with her, i was about leaving school with my friend James, when i bumped into Tracy and my Stella. In order to avoid awkward moments, i got into petty talk with Tracy, ignoring Stella until i introduced Tracy to James. Later that weekend, both Tracy and Stella left school too and we all hooked up at James' apartment after they had done their thing, and we ours. Things went back to normal for a while, then came matriculation weekend. We had another one of those bad rows so she left school to be with her friends, God knows where. Tracy was in school as she was matriculating, so i decided to take Tracy and her friends out just to spite Stella. Whilst outside school, brief moment of slip up due to alcohol and all i can now remember of that night was me marching on vertically, on top of Tracy(missionary style). How we got into the act, i don't remember. The next day, i was flush with embarrassment as this was Tracy, my girlfriend's friend and confidant. 'This is the end of it', 'now Stella has got a good reason to kick me out of her life', 'how can i have done this to the woman i claim to love?' I kept agonizing in my mind. I really love her but how do i explain sleeping with Tracy? Later that night, i went out with Tracy and we bumped into Stella and her entourage. I still don't know how she didn't figure out something was wrong cause i was totally disoriented, overwhelmed by guilt. We made up on that particular night and things went on normally save for what happened between myself and Tracy. Now the question is, despite loving or claiming to love Stella, why did i sleep with Tracy? Is love not enough? we will find out in the concluding part......
We became friends and gradually started getting really close, to the point of spending every minute of the period of interaction with each other. Back then, there was this big dude on her case, but we, me and Stella had an awesome connection that was absolutely spontaneous. We were like ying and yang. The theory of spouses complimenting each other was brought to fulfillment with us. It was like we were connected by brain. The big dude soon diminished to just a part of the background of the picture. By February 14th, vals day of the next year, she said ye and we started dating, officially that is. Everything went on smoothly from then on. We were so caught up in each other's world that the other person was all that mattered. I look back now and wonder how it all went wrong.
I was never in doubt as to whether she loved me, i don't know if she was aware that i loved her like hell, but i did and showed it in every way that i could. The relationship got intense so soon, i guess cause we had it before we knew what it really was about. Anyways we made rules together on how to conduct our thing and once in a while, either or both of us broke these rules. We coped with these short comings until Tracy came into the picture. Tracy was Stella's friend from high school and was about to be admitted into our University. I don't know what their allegiances were to each other, but immediately Tracy stepped on campus, my baby had an alternative plan for every plan we made together. Me and Stella got into bad rows that always left one party so angry, they'ld require leaving school to go and cool off away from the other. On one of these occasions, i was so angry with her, i was about leaving school with my friend James, when i bumped into Tracy and my Stella. In order to avoid awkward moments, i got into petty talk with Tracy, ignoring Stella until i introduced Tracy to James. Later that weekend, both Tracy and Stella left school too and we all hooked up at James' apartment after they had done their thing, and we ours. Things went back to normal for a while, then came matriculation weekend. We had another one of those bad rows so she left school to be with her friends, God knows where. Tracy was in school as she was matriculating, so i decided to take Tracy and her friends out just to spite Stella. Whilst outside school, brief moment of slip up due to alcohol and all i can now remember of that night was me marching on vertically, on top of Tracy(missionary style). How we got into the act, i don't remember. The next day, i was flush with embarrassment as this was Tracy, my girlfriend's friend and confidant. 'This is the end of it', 'now Stella has got a good reason to kick me out of her life', 'how can i have done this to the woman i claim to love?' I kept agonizing in my mind. I really love her but how do i explain sleeping with Tracy? Later that night, i went out with Tracy and we bumped into Stella and her entourage. I still don't know how she didn't figure out something was wrong cause i was totally disoriented, overwhelmed by guilt. We made up on that particular night and things went on normally save for what happened between myself and Tracy. Now the question is, despite loving or claiming to love Stella, why did i sleep with Tracy? Is love not enough? we will find out in the concluding part......
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