Where do I go from here? Today was a good day. She (a client) uncharacteristically paid me a compliment to my face saying I’m actually good at my job. That felt good but not as good as Forbes coming to do the interview. My boss was pissed that I didn’t come to see him as I was supposed to. Don’t know why he’s mad when I’ve been busy slaving for the firm. After all he’s going to be the one to cash the cheque which the client will issue for our retainer. That didn’t get me pissed though, goes to show I’m a valuable asset.
So I’m back in my room at home relaxing, reflecting on the day, and assessing where I am with my career and existence. I feel restless for no particular reason. It’s not even about the feeling I’ve been having lately neither is it about anything that’s been happening lately. I can’t even figure out what it is but I just feel like I’m been sucked up by this gloom that’s spreading around me like mist at dawn.
I turn on my media player but none of the usual numbers is doing it for me. I flick through the Hip Hop, RnB and then Pop catalogues but I’m not feeling anything. I finally settle for Bilal’s ‘Air Tights Revenge’, an unusual choice. Maybe I’ll write it off, and that I’m trying to do right now.
It’s not depression because I’m not sad. It feels more like anxiety, remember I said restless earlier. I’m just aching for some action. Maybe if I work tirelessly and relentlessly I’ll be able to recover for those years I wasted on frivolities. Thank God I got this job. I always knew I have the potential; I never just got the opportunity to put it to use. Maybe because I didn’t try enough back then or probably because I didn’t see the urgency.
Well now I’ve got the opportunity and I intend doing more than enough to ensure I get the renown and pay that’s commensurate with my skill and potentials. I just want to be successful but what’s success without financial security?
This is my path to redemption and I intend getting there. So many things I know but wish I can un-know. I have no regrets for how I’ve lived so far, rather I have learnt from my mistakes. Jarnli says I’m so smart for my age. What she doesn’t realize is that you don’t make as much mistakes as I have and not take something from all of those mistakes.
Undoing knowing the no-do- good people is the easiest part. I’m not even about to lower my defenses for the sake of validation and acceptance. At the end of the day, regardless of how many cool guys I have hanging around me; I’m still alone by myself. That’s not a new realization anyway, I’ve always known this since boarding school.
This journey of mine through life thus far has been one hell of a ride. So many ups and downs that life has turned out to be all the things they never taught one in class or in the books. I’ve come to realize that you play by the books to your own detriment. Oh! And those that always seem to have it figured out when it’s the subject of living a successful life, you have to avoid them. They do you more harm than good because usually what they tell you about life is not what they’ve tried and proved but what someone else did and succeeded with. If life was straight cut as they make it to be, might as well just teach how to apply and replicate the template in school.
After saying this much, one thing is sure and certain about life and that is this; nothing in life is sure and certain.
